Saturday, August 27, 2011


Crom shall decide if this movie will be good. And if he cannot, then to HELL with him!

Conan the Barbarian is character first created in 1932 by writer Robert E. Howard and has been featured in many short stories, novels, comics, and films.  His first appearance in film was 1982, and the character was portrayed by then-actor Arnold Schwarzenegger.  The film was a success and was the film that marked Schwarzenegger's acting career (which can still be debatable).  The film spawned a sequel and even a spin-off movie titled Red Sonja, which was supposed to introduce a new character and have Conan as a supporting one, but in the end it had them costarring together.  There was also two animated children's series based on Conan, and despite being a character who slaughtered all enemies before him...they turned out pretty well.  The live action TV series however, was a bit of a bomb.  Despite that failure, Conan the Barbarian has been around in all medias so far which is quite a legacy to behold, and it was only a matter of time for a remake or reboot to pop up.  Well, in 2011 we finally got it, so is it as good as the original and can it keep the legacy of Conan alive?

Just to get this out of the way, no I didn't see it in 3D, and from what I saw it probably wouldn't be that good.  If you do see it, go 2D.

This new Conan film is a mixed baggage for me.  On the one hand, it is a typical sword-and-sorcery movie, that has some pretty ok special effects, some brutal fight scenes, and hilarious moments where they try to make the movie seem epic.  One of these scenes include the birth of Conan while a bloody battle is taking place...serious his mom was pregnant, wearing battle armor, AND fighting.  Last time I checked Barbarian women didn't do that, but of course World History wasn't my best subject in school.  On the other hand, the dialog, acting, and writing were pretty cheesy and goofy, the editing can be called into question, and scenes have a tendency to drag on.  Conan the Barbarian felt more like a video game rather a movie.  Throughout the film, he fought the henchman of Khalar Zym, the primary villain (played by Stephen Lang), like they were new levels or a boss fight.  Each fight was pretty different and the kill was just as cool.  One kill included having a man tied to a rock, and being launched from a catapult.  If you don't think that's cool then there is something seriously wrong with you.  There was also a kill involving some tentacled-starfish-thing, but we really didn't see that much of said monster, so its not as fun to watch but its thinking outside the box.  However, not all the kills were as awesome.  The final confrontation with Khalar Zym felt anti-climactic, since all he got was a bridge to fall under him and he plummeted to his end.  Now that, was a pretty boring kill for a Conan film.  The story for this movie is slightly uninspiring, featuring characters that come and go and involving people I don't really care about.  Conan has his "damsel in distress," but I believe she was mostly a plot device as she is called the "pure one" throughout the entire movie.  Near the end, I couldn't care that much.

This film will most likely be fun for those who are into sword-and-sorcery B-movies, such as The Beastmaster, Krull, or Masters of the Universe.  For everyone else, you might lose interest with characters you don't really care for, names of people and locations that sound almost exactly the same, and a story that is pretty uninteresting.  But, even through its faults, the film was hilarious to watch and has given me the need to see the original one and I want to see of the film can still hold up for today.


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